Knowing what to say and when to say it is part of
being a woman. Sometimes, total honesty puts a
woman in a bad light or endangers her matrimonial
integrity. That’s why wives have to pad the truth or
tell their hubbies what they want to hear once in a
while. It doesn’t make them liars really, just wise
wives.
Check out these ones and what your wife truly means
when she uses them.
Your mother is my mother
Ah, in your dreams. In her dreams, she probably has
killed your mother many times. You don’t even want
to know how the number of times she has bought rat
poison to serve along with mama’s dessert. Why do
you think the air conditioner in mama’s room is the
coldest in the house? It’s just her upbringing and
what the pastor would say that is keeping her from
becoming a murderer. For as long as mama continues
to check her pot of soup and act the self-appointed
BoT Chairman of your marriage, I cannot guarantee
her safety.
I love you just the way you are
Lose that beer gut and stop snoring and we can
review that statement. Compare your flat tummy and
taut muscles when you got married to that 25kg belly
you are lugging around. Yeah, you have made money
and so call all the shots in your home, your extra
luggage is only being tolerated. And it is your snoring
that she is talking about when you hear her pray
against ‘noisome pestilence’ during morning devotion.
Then, when she caresses your ever growing midriff,
don’t smile, she is just checking to see if there has
been a reduction since the last time she checked. As
we speak, she is doing research on WebMD for tips on
‘how to deliver your pregnant husband’ and ‘ herbal
remedies for snoring.’
It’s okay if you don’t want any more children
Whaaat? She most likely had her IUCD removed
yesterday and considering you do not use umbrella or
raincoat, it will soon be raining twins in your home .
Unless and until you have nicely and totally convinced
your wife that Junior and Mimi are all the kids you
need, do not take anything for granted. Only an un
wise man believes he can order a woman to stop
making babies. Very laughable. Imagine this: darling, I
do not want any more children and I hereby forbid you
to get pregnant. If you dare me, you will be sorry. Ah,
I’m laughing again. Totally unsmart. See, when you
vigorously and religiously drop your seeds in her
incubator and she receives them with a smile, there is
bound to be consequences and repercussion . Simple
logic. And when she gets pregnant, the only person
who will be sorry is you, trust me, because you
cannot use a pestle to remove the seed you sowed
with such dutiful effectiveness. In other words, you
cannot hang your boots without your wife’s consent.
If you take a new wife, it’s your headache and I don’t
care
Hmmm, it’s your headache, all right but she cares.
That’s just talk and I can assure you of a severe case
of migraine, not just headache. Both the new wife and
the old one will join hands to make your life a perfect
misery. No woman, no matter how generous, really
wants to share her man and all there is to him. That
she pretends not to notice that you are holed up in a
five-star hotel all weekend with your latest babe after
you told her you were going to Abuja does mean she
doesn’t care. She just doesn’t want a confrontation
and anyway, you always return home to her after
every match. But a second wife is a whole new level.
She will fight you with everything she’s got and
redefine terrorism. That C of O she obtained on your
wedding day is not what can be divided. So, unless
you are ready for multiple explosions, don’t believe
that lie, otherwise, your home will become Sambisa
forest.
I lost my virginity at 25 and I had only two boyfriends
before I met you
Ah, do you really want to know? Reminds me of the
lyrics of ‘Tonight’ by Betty Wright. Some have to
think back a little bit farther than others about the
first night but how many women will tell husbands the
truth about that night. Unless it’s the husband who
cut the tape himself. She probably was ‘sworn in’ at
15 and backdated it. But then there is no way
husbands can verify such historic occasions, just
shrug off the confession. It is 90% untrue anyway. As
for the list of your predecessors, it can never be long
because every woman keeps the short list. You don’t
expect her to tell you everything, including the affair
with the boss, NYSC camp commandant, the night
she got drunk, the handsome hunk she did just for fun
or the celebrity she dated for kicks…. No, you get to
hear the edited version, thank you.
The Bensons’ party is next week but you don’t have
to buy the aso-ebi
Ah ah ah. That is subtle blackmail if I ever heard one.
She expects you to do the ‘needful’. That unnecessary
reminder is to put a picture in your mind of your wife
as the only one in a crowd without the ‘uniform’. Just
provide the funds and save yourself the grief of further
reminders. Because if she buys it with her own money,
you will never hear the last of it.
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